The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
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The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
This kid will have a bright future.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week