@Holy_Mowgli

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

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@amishschool

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

@stuckinaportal

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

@TheAlexNevil

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

@Aikiwomannc

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

@spookperson

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

@lukeplusone

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

@RunOldMan

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

@0ne_1980

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.