OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
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*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system