You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
You Might Also Like
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*