Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
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“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
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Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.