Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
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My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.