My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Girl, same.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.