Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
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I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.