Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
That eye roll….
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes