Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
You Might Also Like
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
What even happened today?
This sounds bad:
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets