Is this the real life?
Is this just
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It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*