Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
hey, alexa
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
My birthstone is kidney
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it