Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
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Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.