My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
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My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Poetry is my passion
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes