My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
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Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
giddy up Office Depot
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
my astrological sign is a french fry
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
so weird how every mom was born today
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
✌🏽
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s