Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
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Checkmate, Flat Earthers
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer