Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
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If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
“you changed” bro i was 15
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?