It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.