Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
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RT if you could go either way.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza