So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
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It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*