You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
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Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
this is what they would have looked like, though
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.