[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
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So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
But I really needed water water water
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry