*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
You Might Also Like
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞