[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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