[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
You Might Also Like
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?