If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo