Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
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subtitles are so good nowadays
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.