Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
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Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭