I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.