I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?