My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
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yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”