People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
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Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I like long walks away from everyone
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I need better friends
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.