I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.