It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve