You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
You Might Also Like
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.