You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
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alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I created you as mosquito food.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Any refunds available?…
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BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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