You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Has science gone too far?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”