on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
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Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.