I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
*offers Batman cough drops*
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
And bowling should be called pinball
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”