Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
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Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.