I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
You Might Also Like
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that