Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
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Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”