Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
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You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on