Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
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ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
fr
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.