Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
You Might Also Like
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
man i love columbo
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
me adding lol on a serious message
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant