In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
You Might Also Like
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude