Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Breaking news:
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*