My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
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Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send