People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..