“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
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I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev