Who needs an Air Fryer?
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Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.