As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun