Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

I saw this ending much differently.

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup