Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

our love story in four pictures

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

dogs can find happiness so easily

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”