As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

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“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”



Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?


“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*


[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son


At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.


[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that


Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure


If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this


[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before


Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away