@iamkits

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

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@UncleDuke1969

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

@NeighborGrumpy

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

@jakob_huber

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

@murrman5

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

@curlycomedy

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

@PostCultRev

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

@stuartfiddle

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

@AmberTozer

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

@dlicj

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

@Book_Krazy

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away