As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

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ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen


If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.


He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?


[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on


“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions


When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.


I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??


Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.