@iamkits

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

You Might Also Like

@chunkbardey

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

@noog

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

@clichedout

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

@trevso_electric

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@OhDuarte

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

@chopper4jk

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.