Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
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God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..