Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
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“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I WON A HAM TODAY
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.