Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
You Might Also Like
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.