Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
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Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…